Frequently Asked Questions

What are your basic rights in a relationship?

• The right to live free from accusation or blame.
• The right to have your own viewpoint even if your partner has another viewpoint.
• The right to have your work and interests discussed with respect.
• The right to live free from fear of your partner. this includes fear of threats, angry outburts and violence.
• The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
• The right to be respectfully asked to do something, not ordered to do it.
• The right to expect encouragement and emotional support from your partner.
• The right to privacy ~ on the telephone, with your thoughts, with your family and friends, your belongings and in your own space.

Why does anyone remain in an abusive relationship?

The single greatest factor is fear ~ fear of being hunted down and injured or killed, fear of greater emotional damage to the children or of losing custody of them, fear of poverty, deportation, rejection by friends and family, fear of the courts and the legal process, fear of the unknown.

Other reasons include: economic dependence, denial, cultural, religious or family pressure, shame and embarrassment, the desire to help one's batterer, hope that things will get better, isolation, having nowhere else to go, an overall loss of one's self-worth.

What is the Cycle of Abuse?

In abusive relationships, a pattern of behavior develops between the abuser and the victim. This behavior repeats, gradually escalating in intensity. It is a cycle with 3 phases:

1. Tension building - Frustration gradually builds in the abuser along with the need to criticize or blame. the victim "walks on eggshells" trying to maintain peace.
2. Explosion - the abuser's anger builds to a violent outburst which can be verbal, physical or both.
3. Promises & Presents - An abuser may feel guilty, apologize, promise to change and even offer gifts but before long the cycle repeats and Phase 1 begins again.

Why does someone abuse or batter?

Batterers need to control, to have power over their partners. They rarely accept responsibility for their negative behavior. Instead, they blame their partners, stress, alcohol, drugs, anger, a loss of control, an unhappy childhood, and someone or something else. Abuser are bullies who choose not to control their harmful behavior.

How does domestic violence affect children?

Children who witness domestic violence are 1500 times more likely to be abused themselves as those in non-abusive homes. The psychological difficulties they experience include eating disorders, chronic insomnia, substance abuse, severe anxiety, hyper-vigilance, difficulty developing trust and self-confidence and fear of abandonment. At an early age, they often develop patterns of conduct that mimic the behavior of their parents and carry the lessons they learn into adulthood. Therapists at the Support network provide counseling and ongoing age-appropriate activities for these young survivors.

How can I help a friend / family member who is being abused?

Victims of domestic violence are frightened, confused, have lost perspective about and cannot deal with their situation.

While you may beg, demand and give sound reasons for leaving the abuser, you are talking to someone who no longer has control over her/his life. The following may help, however. The victim below is referred to as female, since 80-90% of abuse victims are female:

• Tell her to hang up, call 911 immediately and flee the location in any situation that is physically dangerous.
• Suggest that she visit our website to learn more about abuse. She should click on the "Internet Safety" area so her partner will not know she is looking for help.
• Have printed information available for her when she is ready to read it. It may not be safe for her to keep it at home.
• Encourage her to go for counseling at a domestic violence agency and assure her that their services are confidential and usually free.
• Stress the importance of her having a safety plan if her life and/or the lives of her children are placed in danger. (Detailed information about safety planning is available through the YWCA Support Network.)

The mission of the YWCA Support Network is to empower our diverse community to live free from domestic violence.